TMI Thursday - This is my Fucking Utopia!!

Right, I think the title tells you that it is going to be a TMI Thursday post. The rules are simple, the story below is intended to impart too much information and give you a good laugh at the same time. Follow the link to the control center at LivitLuvit.com and see what everyone is talking about today.



Planned for two weeks, Saturday night I was finally taking my friend to her first gay bar. She was curious, and is bi, but never had the nerve to go before. 6:30pm my phone rings, she wants to know how dressed up to get for a gay club. I explain to her that the guys will be dressed, but the girls wear whatever they want because there is no defining a lesbian like there seems to be with gay men. OK, fine... what time are we leaving? I tell her 9:30, right after her daughter goes to bed. And we're good.

Roll on to 10pm when we get to the club. I used to work in gay clubs so I know they don't really get rolling until 11:30, but I wanted to get her there early to see what her reaction was going to be. We get through the door and she gets carded (she's 30 as of 2 weeks ago) and feels great about it. Now mind you, we are in Corpus Christi so the clubs are not up to the standards of everywhere I have worked, but it was cool. The Fucking place was EMPTY! Not just a few scattered souls like I expected, but dead fucking empty except for the bartenders.

Grab a couple beers and go exploring. This is proper etiquette for a club like this, because you never know what the back corners are going to hold, in this case nothing! So we head out to the patio for a quick hit of filtered cancer. While we are gone, people start showing up, and the party gets started.

Fast Forward to 11:30. The club is packed, she is having a good time dancing her ass off and getting hit on by guys and girls. A tranny shows up who looks vaguely familiar, and she isn't sure who he is. She goes over and asks his name, and is told Mercedes in a vey feminine voice. She thinks she's wrong about who it is and tells him he's beautiful. Back at the bar, I'm sitting laughing because I know this boy, he sings karaoke with us on Wednesday nights, as does his mom. From out of nowhere this rather confused young boy Brian (his uncle owns the bar) shows up and starts hitting on her, but can't remember her name because he is so twisted. The really cute bartender tells me he has had 8 Long Islands. Finally confused boy walks away and starts hitting on the boys in the crowd (which is why his uncle told him to come down and see what the bar was like).

C is dancing all over the patio at this point, and "Mercedes" is headed inside. C runs into him, and as he grabs her ass he says Hi in his normal voice. She jumped about 3 feet in the air, and dropped her beer. Running back over to me, she's like "I told you that was Garrett!" Still laughing I tell her I knew when she first saw him. (He's come to Karaoke in drag on a night she wasn't there)

At 12:30 the patio empties, and the music volume goes up to mind numbing decibles. I steered her in the door, and get her as close to the dance floor as I can. It's empty except for two young ladies who are the MCs for the show. The first three acts are nothing special, but not bad either. The last one who comes out looks torn up. Frizzy hair, intentionally jacked makeup like an alcoholic who can't see straight. Dirt scuffs all over wearing a tattered sundress from WalMart over a holy t-shirt. Swinging his bottle all over the place, he is singing about loves lost, and the decline of love in general. Then reaching inside his shirt, he pulls out the biggest damned vibrator I have ever seen and sings that Debbie Boone classic "You Light Up My Life." C being the rookie is mortified which he latches onto. Pulling her onto the stage, he makes her sing the chorus with him while holding the vibe skyward.

She's about 50 shades of red at this point, and doesn't know what to do. I mean sing with him or run like hell?!? She decided to sing with him. Standing ovation done, the show is over and we head back outside to the patio. Sitting at the corner of the bar with us is a rather over weight (like 400 lbs) woman and her straight brother. She explains that it is his first time at a club, and C tells her that it is hers too and that this is her Fucking Utopia. She then high 5s the brother and tells him that they are popping their cherries together. This is too much for the sister (obviously attracted to C) who then asks, "Can I pop yours?" C starts laughing and they continue talking as I walk away to talk to "Mercedes" and friends.

The confused boy shows back up, and there are more tales to tell, but right now I'm damned tired, and I need to get my nephew from Band Camp (and yes, he is a flute player).